What is the best put down you ever heard of ?

Lady Aster to W Churchill:- Sir you are drunk.


W Churchill to Lady Aster :- You are ugly madam but in the morning I shall be sober.

What is the best put down you ever heard of ?
The best one I've actually heard was an older guy at a club hitting on a young girl. He said "Where have you been all my life?"


She said "I wasn't born for most of it."
Reply:Black girl, talking to her friend about a guy who asked her out: 'I'd rather eat a rat than date him'!
Reply:feminist to man holding door open for her"i hope you not holding the door open because i am a woman?"man replies! "oh no madam it is becase i am a gentleman"
Reply:Sorry, it wasn't Lady Astor. It was in the House of Commons.


Churchill peered over his whiskey glass and said to Bessie Braddock who was MP for a Liverpool Constituency, 'Mrs. Braddock, you are ugly.' To which Mrs. Braddock replied, 'and you, Sir are drunk.'


The answer from Churchill was, 'That may be so, Madam, but in the morning I'll be sober.' (And there was no guarantee of that)





The best put down I ever heard was when my 16 year old daughter came back to Switzerland for a skiing holiday. We were with a group of friends and in the train she was sitting next to a rather small Australian guy, who hadn't seen her for a couple of years. When the train stopped, they both stood up and the Aussie said, 'You're bigger than me, now.' My daughter looked down at him and replied, 'I've always been bigger than you.' Time for Mum to curl up and want to die.
Reply:when I was teaching school I heard another teacher say


"Honey, your mama lets you do that because she loves you. Now, I'm not your mama am I?





Same teacher also told a male student (one she got along with quite well) who was sagging:


*Shanquell*, pull them britches up cause if they fall down everybody's going to find out you're not half the man you claim to be!!
Reply:Where have you been all my life


I wasn't born for most of it
Reply:dennis h had my best put down i ever heard
Reply:I wonder what she replied to that?
Reply:I like this one.... Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?





Also..


I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.


Groucho Marx
Reply:A customer in the pub I work in was always saying to me "I'm going to have you, you know I will" so I told him " the only way our bodily fluids will ever mix is if I spit in your beer" He leaves me alone now.
Reply:When my 4 year old grand daughter tells me go to your office pa pa. After teasing her a little.my wife users her line now.
Reply:I wrote an award winning novel , the hero being based upon a gorgeous guy in my social circle and my sister's reaction was 'you wrote the novel because you couldn't f*ck him' and i said 'if all the girls who wanted to do him but did not , wrote a novel, everybody we know would be a writer, duh'
Reply:Thats one of my faves, the Lady Astor/Churchill one. Old "Winnie" was a master of the witty retort.





My other half,when someone is boasting, always says "What do you want, a medal or a chest to pin it on?" lol
Reply:Wasn't Churchill also the one credited with asking the girl if she would sleep with him for like $1000 and she said yes. So he said how about for $10 and she said what type of lady do you think I am. So he told her Ma'am we already established what TYPE of lady you are, I'm just trying to establish the price.


Nothing like the classics.
Reply:you are smarter than you look
Reply:Guy who was hitting on my friend: Will you gimme head?


My friend: No, sorry, I choke on small objects





I was laughing for about half an hour
Reply:Me to rude neighbor's rude teenage daughter: You look so much like your mom.


Rude teenage daughter: Really?


Me: Yes...you're both dogs.
Reply:you have big cheeks
Reply:ive had bigger insults from better people.


if u had no feet you wouldnt wear shoes..why the bra?


goodnight its been average and youve been bland.





but shouldnt we all just be nice to each other?
Reply:Once, long ago, when I was in college my friends and I were sitting around drinking beer, listening to music and smoking cigarettes. A friend from France was there, but he was trying to quit smoking and was nervous and fidgety. Someone asked him what was wrong and he said, "I'm nervous.....I need something to put in my mouth!" I said, "Hey, I got something you can put in your mouth!" He responded with, "No, I mean something big.....like a cigarette!" That was 20 years ago and it remains the best comeback I've ever heard, even though it was on me....
Reply:I'm glad to see your back. After looking at your face, your butt looked better.
Reply:Croucho Marx to Mae West.When she met him in person for the first time,she said"Hello mister Marx I'm Mae West".He replied."That's strange I never forget a face but in your case I'll make an exception." CLASS!
Reply:You need a mint with a battery.
Reply:I know somebody who said to a Jewish person who was annoying her, "If it wasnt for people like me you'd be a bar of soap."
Reply:I love this one, havn't managed to use it myself yet tho.





The only reason he has a brain is to stop his head caving in
Reply:Winston Churchill at a rally,was being heckled by a woman in the audience.She shouted,"If you were my husband,I would put poison in your tea."


To which Churchill replied,"Madam,if I was your husband,I would drink the tea."
Reply:During argument on familyguy


your acting a like a child





Oh yeah like a child eh well your with me"


"if im a child and your with then that makes you a pedophile and god knows I will not be shouted at by someone like that"
Reply:"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." Groucho Marx





"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome." Oscar Levant





"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."


Oscar Wilde





"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."


Mae West
Reply:He's a nice bloke,but his farts smell.
Reply:We had a young Marine who called em as he saw em. A lady was mouthing off and really insulting people right and left. The Marine turned to her and said, " So-are you being deliberately rude or are you just stupid?". She couldnt think of a comeback.
Reply:"I,ll beat you so bad, you,ll be the only angel in heaven with a wheelchair"


Chris Rock